It's Like Winning The Lottery...

...but then a couple weeks later, after you've planned what to do with all the money...you find out it was really some cruel joke and the million dollars you thought was yours is now nothing.

 

That's how I'm feeling right now about my miscarriage.

 

Dramatic? A bit...I can admit that.

 

I've been feeling a bit negative lately. Ugh. It makes me uncomfortable even admitting that...but it's true. I thought that maybe writing about it would help. So...

 

My Mother's Day and Birthday weekend was awesome...but also a bit sad for me. It was the weekend I had planned on publically sharing the pregnancy with family and friends. I couldn't help but remember that.

 

I really feel as if something was stolen from me. Before becoming pregnant...I knew I wanted a second baby, but I have to admit I wasn't 100% committed to it. I mean, I wanted a baby...but I was ok with whatever happening, happening...if that makes sense. I wasn't necessarily thinking about it everyday.

 

It's like my whole lottery example...can you imagine having $1M dollars in your hands for a few weeks...and then someone just taking it all away? I mean a baby is obviously worth more than any amount of money in the world...but you get what I'm saying, right?!

 

Anyways, now, I think about being pregnant probably almost every day. Babies, pregnant bellies, baby clothes, birth announcements, pregnancy announcements, seeing baby siblings, etc. all have a different effect on me than before the miscarriage. I suppose that's natural...but still. As I'm writing this out...I realize what I'm feeling is jealousy. Ugh. Jealousy is ugly. I don't want to be like that.

 

Part of me wants to be pregnant right away. Part of me is scared.

 

I also have am immense amount of gratitude for our precious Madison. I don't think I have to say much more than that.

 

With all that said...I still firmly believe that what happens is meant to happen.

 

And...a picture of M. Because we all know I take a million pictures of her.

 

Disclaimer: NO ONE has said or done anything to hurt my feelings or make me uncomfortable. This post is just full of the emotions and thoughts that are in my own head and are not the result of any person's questions or comments or daily conversation with me. I don't want any of my family or friends to think they've said anything to me, or to not want to talk to me anymore! LOL!