Look how high!
She enjoyed help from Daddy.
After a while she yelled to Louie (who was still inside), "Grandpa Lou Lou, get your coat and come outside!"
She really wanted Louie to try flying it!
Group photo! I love these people!!!
So much fun!
4.30.2013
Go Fly A Kite!
Last Friday was a perfectly windy day which lent itself to some super fun kite flying at Great Grandma Bevy's house!!!
Look how high!
She enjoyed help from Daddy.
After a while she yelled to Louie (who was still inside), "Grandpa Lou Lou, get your coat and come outside!"
She really wanted Louie to try flying it!
Group photo! I love these people!!!
So much fun!
Look how high!
She enjoyed help from Daddy.
After a while she yelled to Louie (who was still inside), "Grandpa Lou Lou, get your coat and come outside!"
She really wanted Louie to try flying it!
Group photo! I love these people!!!
So much fun!
4.29.2013
3 Weeks Since...
It's been 3 weeks since I've miscarried. While I'm certainly feeling more at peace with what happened...I'd be lying if I didn't admit I still have my moments of sadness and anger.
Today should have been my 10 week appointment. It's written on our family calendar on our fridge (and then scribbled out) since they scheduled me for both 8 and 10 week appointments when I first found out I was pregnant and called the office.
But, while today didn't include a 10 week pre-natal appointment, it DID include spending the day with my beautiful daughter enjoying activities like exercising, playing, painting, running errands, and picnicking at the park. Not to shabby of a day...actually...it's a pretty good day, really! :)
It's the little things that I notice so much more that cause little pokes of sadness, anger, and dare I admit resentment into my daily life. Seeing pregnant women doesn't make me angry...just a bit sad. I wish it was me. I'll admit it. And, following the sadness is usually anger at myself for feeling sad. I feel ashamed that someone else's joy brings me down. I know that this miscarriage was meant to be, that there was nothing I could have done to prevent it, but it's still just hard for me to 100% accept it I guess.
Staring at my double stroller during my exercise class surprisingly makes me just a tiny bit sad, too. I had already begun picturing a baby in the seat next to M. And, for now, that image has been shattered. I feel like I let M down, too. I want her to be a sister. I know she'll be a good big sister.
Again. I feel confusion and shame for even admitting how those things bug me now. I know that this miscarriage is not a definitive end to the possibility of adding more children to our family. So, I don't know why I sometimes feel like it is.
I wonder how long I will think about this miscarriage.
Thoughts of second or third miscarriages also creep into my head during random parts of my days. Again...will the doubt and worrying ever end. I'm not sure.
When family and friends ask me how I'm doing, I still answer, "I'm doing good." Why is it so hard for me to say, "I'm ok. I'm still kinda sad about it." I guess it just makes me feel weak. I don't want to make things all weird. It can be awkward, that's for sure. But, to those who've asked me how I'm doing, please know that in itself has meant a lot to me. And really, I am doing good. Sorry, I know this paragraph probably didn't make a whole lotta sense.
And with that nonsense. I will end this post...and go watch some Real Housewives on Bravo. (I can't believe I just admitted to watching that show still...but I know some of you watch, too!!!)
Today should have been my 10 week appointment. It's written on our family calendar on our fridge (and then scribbled out) since they scheduled me for both 8 and 10 week appointments when I first found out I was pregnant and called the office.
But, while today didn't include a 10 week pre-natal appointment, it DID include spending the day with my beautiful daughter enjoying activities like exercising, playing, painting, running errands, and picnicking at the park. Not to shabby of a day...actually...it's a pretty good day, really! :)
It's the little things that I notice so much more that cause little pokes of sadness, anger, and dare I admit resentment into my daily life. Seeing pregnant women doesn't make me angry...just a bit sad. I wish it was me. I'll admit it. And, following the sadness is usually anger at myself for feeling sad. I feel ashamed that someone else's joy brings me down. I know that this miscarriage was meant to be, that there was nothing I could have done to prevent it, but it's still just hard for me to 100% accept it I guess.
Staring at my double stroller during my exercise class surprisingly makes me just a tiny bit sad, too. I had already begun picturing a baby in the seat next to M. And, for now, that image has been shattered. I feel like I let M down, too. I want her to be a sister. I know she'll be a good big sister.
Again. I feel confusion and shame for even admitting how those things bug me now. I know that this miscarriage is not a definitive end to the possibility of adding more children to our family. So, I don't know why I sometimes feel like it is.
I wonder how long I will think about this miscarriage.
Thoughts of second or third miscarriages also creep into my head during random parts of my days. Again...will the doubt and worrying ever end. I'm not sure.
When family and friends ask me how I'm doing, I still answer, "I'm doing good." Why is it so hard for me to say, "I'm ok. I'm still kinda sad about it." I guess it just makes me feel weak. I don't want to make things all weird. It can be awkward, that's for sure. But, to those who've asked me how I'm doing, please know that in itself has meant a lot to me. And really, I am doing good. Sorry, I know this paragraph probably didn't make a whole lotta sense.
And with that nonsense. I will end this post...and go watch some Real Housewives on Bravo. (I can't believe I just admitted to watching that show still...but I know some of you watch, too!!!)
4.28.2013
Michael's Fun World!
A couple Saturdays ago we celebrated my cousin's son's birthday! He turned 5 earlier this month, and we went to his party at Michael's Fun World. There was a lot to do, and I think Grandpa and Daddy had just as much fun at M! :)
Arcade-racing game with Grandpa!
Her first time in a ball pit. I really did not like it - but let her anyways. GERMS! That's all I could think about. I told her about 100 times to not put her hands in her mouth. She loved it though! Here she is with the birthday boy, Luke.
Ski-ball.
Shooting game with Dad. She loved it.
But, then wanted her own gun.
Her piece of birthday cake. I told her I'd watch it and she could go play and it'd still be here when she returned. She turned and looked at me and said really loud, "Ok, Mom, but DON'T eat my cake!" Geez...
Go karts!!!
Returning after the ride. After the ride, she told me, "I love going fast!"
What a fun FUN party...so glad to celebrate with our cousins!!!
Arcade-racing game with Grandpa!
Her first time in a ball pit. I really did not like it - but let her anyways. GERMS! That's all I could think about. I told her about 100 times to not put her hands in her mouth. She loved it though! Here she is with the birthday boy, Luke.
Ski-ball.
Shooting game with Dad. She loved it.
But, then wanted her own gun.
Her piece of birthday cake. I told her I'd watch it and she could go play and it'd still be here when she returned. She turned and looked at me and said really loud, "Ok, Mom, but DON'T eat my cake!" Geez...
Go karts!!!
Returning after the ride. After the ride, she told me, "I love going fast!"
What a fun FUN party...so glad to celebrate with our cousins!!!
4.26.2013
Foto Friday - Ice Cream Cone
A few of my most favorite pictures of M from yesterday evening.
Mmmm! Mmmm!
So happy!
At least with mid-fifty degree temps, it doesn't melt too fast!
Mmmm! Mmmm!
So happy!
At least with mid-fifty degree temps, it doesn't melt too fast!
She loves the cone, too, just like her Mama.
Don't worry...I was a good Mom and 'helped' M eat her cone so it wouldn't get too messy.
We heart DQ!
4.22.2013
Gymnastics - Take 2
We decided to enroll M in another session of gymnastics at the Y. She was a little rebellious during the class, and I probably spent at least half the class trying to corral her and keep her on task. Oh well.
Believe it or not, I only took pictures of the last class. It was kind of odd since the last class only had three toddlers (there were usually 8 or more...including her bestie, SG). And they aren't the greatest quality of course since it was on my phone and she was always moving. Anyways...here's a few pictures.
My personal favorite. Do you see the other two toddlers sitting nicely and following the teacher on the blue mat. And, do you see my daughter way off to the far right...doing her own thing. (She's circled in red.) *sigh*
Jumping.
Forward roll.
Cartwheel.
Balance beam.
We had a lot of fun with tumbling (and swimming) at the Y this year. We are taking a break from classes for now...but I think I'm going to start returning to toddler reading time at the library. I'm so grateful to have the opportunity to participate in these kinds of classes with M!
Believe it or not, I only took pictures of the last class. It was kind of odd since the last class only had three toddlers (there were usually 8 or more...including her bestie, SG). And they aren't the greatest quality of course since it was on my phone and she was always moving. Anyways...here's a few pictures.
My personal favorite. Do you see the other two toddlers sitting nicely and following the teacher on the blue mat. And, do you see my daughter way off to the far right...doing her own thing. (She's circled in red.) *sigh*
Jumping.
Forward roll.
Cartwheel.
Balance beam.
We had a lot of fun with tumbling (and swimming) at the Y this year. We are taking a break from classes for now...but I think I'm going to start returning to toddler reading time at the library. I'm so grateful to have the opportunity to participate in these kinds of classes with M!
4.20.2013
Swim-Swim-Swim
We decided to enroll M in swimming lessons at the Y this year. It was great to have the opportunity to take a Saturday class so that Josh could join her for a weekly activity. I know they both enjoyed it so much!
Of course...I took a bazillion pictures. Just wanted to share a few.
She loved saying, "Swim, swim, swim." I love her fishie cheeks as she holds her breath.
My brother took her one Saturday when Josh was working. (Yea for Uncle!)
She loved swim class. But, she did not like splashing or getting water on her face. We could not get her to ever put her face in the water, or to try blowing bubbles.
Getting her duck.
One of her two Dora swim suits.
Fun, fun, fun!
Cutie!!!! Her newest suit from Gymboree...I couldn't help but buy it!
Trying to dive in.
Learning to hold herself on the side and move along the edge.
Playtime was always the last 10 minutes of class. Her favorite thing was dumping water on Josh's head.
They turned on the big slide for the first and last class...she loved it!
I'm sure we will have many fun swimming adventures this summer (if it ever gets here)!
Of course...I took a bazillion pictures. Just wanted to share a few.
She loved saying, "Swim, swim, swim." I love her fishie cheeks as she holds her breath.
My brother took her one Saturday when Josh was working. (Yea for Uncle!)
She loved swim class. But, she did not like splashing or getting water on her face. We could not get her to ever put her face in the water, or to try blowing bubbles.
Getting her duck.
One of her two Dora swim suits.
Fun, fun, fun!
Cutie!!!! Her newest suit from Gymboree...I couldn't help but buy it!
Trying to dive in.
Learning to hold herself on the side and move along the edge.
Playtime was always the last 10 minutes of class. Her favorite thing was dumping water on Josh's head.
They turned on the big slide for the first and last class...she loved it!
I'm sure we will have many fun swimming adventures this summer (if it ever gets here)!
4.19.2013
Foto Friday - 'Mingos
"Hey, Mama, do you see two 'mingos?!"
She always makes me smile. I didn't even know she knew what flamingos were?!
She always makes me smile. I didn't even know she knew what flamingos were?!
4.18.2013
2 Years 8 Months
I finally remembered and got around to taking a few shots of M earlier this week for another update. I can't believe that in just 4 months she'll be 3 years old!!! This wouldn't be a true monthly post without me saying, "Time is flying by!" Which reminds me...better start party planning!!!! (Oh, I can see Josh rolling his eyes right now at the sound of me mentioning her party already! lol!)
Madison is definitely growing out of her 3T clothes, and I'm buying anything new in 4T. She's still tall for her age, at around 37 inches and I think she's around 35 pounds. She's in size 7 or 8 shoe.
She is doing well with being potty trained during all her waking hours. I'm so proud of her. But, as of now, I am not rushing to get her trained during naps or night yet.
She is STILL a vegetarian. And a very picky eater. For example, she will ONLY eat bread sticks from Casey's.
She knows her colors. She can 'read' some books by memory. (I hope to finally teach her her letters this summer.) She's pretty good with her shapes. And, thanks to Dora, she can count in Spanish! :) She really enjoys identifying things that match. She can correctly identify sets of 1, 2, or 3 items.
She loves:
-Watching her shows and movies
-Going to parks and climbing! She LOVES the park.
-Singing
-Making stuff (what she calls baking cookies and cupcakes)
-Coloring - can draw lines and a circular shapes, can also attempt to color inside the lines
-Reading and looking at books
-Playing outside
-Birthdays (parties) - she regularly asks me if we are going to a party and wants to know when my birthday is and her birthday.
-Her Piggy and Bunny
-Helping Mommy rinse the dishes
-Ice Cream (in a cone)
-Birds (she can correctly identify robins)
-Quarters (to ride the choo choo at the mall)
-French fries with ketchup
-Dinosaurs and dragons
She's Not So Fond Of:
-Water on her face-being splashed-having her hair rinsed
-Trying new foods
-She claims she doesn't like spiders (Thanks for that, Caillou!)
-Having her hair brushed
She usually finds herself in 'Time Out' at least once a day.
(I love her red shoes!)
Other fun phrases you'll hear from M (I forgot to post yesterday):
"Hmmmm....something's missing. (She'll declare this as she's coloring before deciding her picture needs more coloring.)
"Hey...that doesn't belong!!!" (I hear this a lot at stores when the wrong item is on the shelf with other items.)
"I wish...." I'm not sure where she learned this from...probably, Dora. The other day we were driving on River Dr. and I hear her say, "Mom, I wish I had to boat to go down that river." Or if she sees something on her show that she likes she'll tell me, "Mom, I wish I had some lemonade."
The negotiating at bedtime has begun as she will often ask for me just 2 more books (when I say not tonight) she'll drop to just 1 more book. :) She'll also ask for water, and to go hug Daddy one more time, etc..
She's still napping in the afternoons usually from 2:30pm-ish until 5-ish. Bedtime is between 8 and 9pm, and she wakes around 7:30am.
I've made the mistake of adding the long 'e' sound to words as I've spoken to her. So now she says a lot of nouns incorrectly because of me, for example, 'sheep-y,' 'snack-y,' 'giraffe-y,' and 'nappy.' Whoops.
This little lady has changed our lives in ways that we could have never imagined. Love her to pieces more than words can explain.
Ok. Let the rambling begin....
She is doing well with being potty trained during all her waking hours. I'm so proud of her. But, as of now, I am not rushing to get her trained during naps or night yet.
She is STILL a vegetarian. And a very picky eater. For example, she will ONLY eat bread sticks from Casey's.
She knows her colors. She can 'read' some books by memory. (I hope to finally teach her her letters this summer.) She's pretty good with her shapes. And, thanks to Dora, she can count in Spanish! :) She really enjoys identifying things that match. She can correctly identify sets of 1, 2, or 3 items.
She loves:
-Watching her shows and movies
-Going to parks and climbing! She LOVES the park.
-Singing
-Making stuff (what she calls baking cookies and cupcakes)
-Coloring - can draw lines and a circular shapes, can also attempt to color inside the lines
-Reading and looking at books
-Playing outside
-Birthdays (parties) - she regularly asks me if we are going to a party and wants to know when my birthday is and her birthday.
-Her Piggy and Bunny
-Helping Mommy rinse the dishes
-Ice Cream (in a cone)
-Birds (she can correctly identify robins)
-Quarters (to ride the choo choo at the mall)
-French fries with ketchup
-Dinosaurs and dragons
She's Not So Fond Of:
-Water on her face-being splashed-having her hair rinsed
-Trying new foods
-She claims she doesn't like spiders (Thanks for that, Caillou!)
-Having her hair brushed
She usually finds herself in 'Time Out' at least once a day.
(I love her red shoes!)
Other fun phrases you'll hear from M (I forgot to post yesterday):
"Hmmmm....something's missing. (She'll declare this as she's coloring before deciding her picture needs more coloring.)
"Hey...that doesn't belong!!!" (I hear this a lot at stores when the wrong item is on the shelf with other items.)
"I wish...." I'm not sure where she learned this from...probably, Dora. The other day we were driving on River Dr. and I hear her say, "Mom, I wish I had to boat to go down that river." Or if she sees something on her show that she likes she'll tell me, "Mom, I wish I had some lemonade."
The negotiating at bedtime has begun as she will often ask for me just 2 more books (when I say not tonight) she'll drop to just 1 more book. :) She'll also ask for water, and to go hug Daddy one more time, etc..
She's still napping in the afternoons usually from 2:30pm-ish until 5-ish. Bedtime is between 8 and 9pm, and she wakes around 7:30am.
I've made the mistake of adding the long 'e' sound to words as I've spoken to her. So now she says a lot of nouns incorrectly because of me, for example, 'sheep-y,' 'snack-y,' 'giraffe-y,' and 'nappy.' Whoops.
This little lady has changed our lives in ways that we could have never imagined. Love her to pieces more than words can explain.
4.17.2013
TWSS - 'Mama-consin' & More
Just some fun conversations we've had with M the past couple months. It's so fun talking to her!
J: Madison...guess where I'm going tomorrow?
M: Where?
J: To MADISON, Wisconsin.
M: Noooo...Mama-Consin!
J: No, it's called Madison.
M: No. Mama. Bye-Bye, Daddy. Have fun!
Me: Madison...let's get going. We're going to Casey's to get the pizza and bread sticks.
M: Okay. We going to Casey's house! Where's Casey's house?
Me: Did you have fun swimming with Daddy?
Madison: Oh yes.
Me: Did Daddy have fun swimming with you?
Madison. Yes. Him luhb it. Him luhb swimming with me.
Me: What's that? A sprinkle?!
M: Yeah. A green sprinkle.
Me: Where'd that come from?
M: My nose.
Me: Um. Ok. How'd it get there?
M: *sigh* I don't know Mommy.
a couple minutes later
Me: Hey...is that another sprinkle in your nose!? (As I see a white one in her nostril.)
M: What? A sprinkle! Oh goodness!
Josh: Madison, please be careful. I don't want you to get hurt.
Madison: I NEVER get hurt!
Madison: Me not sleep! Me not sleep! Me lookin' at stuff.
(angry girl who didn't want to nap)
We are all eating popsicles together. Madison quickly notices that Josh is finishing his first. M and I are still eating.
M: Mama. Daddy's all done. You need to share with Daddy.
Me: I need to share, huh?
M: Yes. Yes. Sharing is nice. Share with Daddy. Are you going to share with Daddy.
Me: I don't know.
M: Yes, Mama. Share. Share with Daddy.
Me: Are you going to share with Daddy?
M: (pause as she considers my question). Oh NO Mommy. No.
We were just driving in the van.
M: Mom. Can I have some quarters? I really really want to ride the choo-choo with Sarah Grace. Pleeeeaaaase!?!?!?!
Benny was barking at something one afternoon:
M: Shush, Benny, shush!!! Oh, Mom. Benny just barking at nothin'. I can't hear my show. *sigh*
Also, she regularly shushes me if she wants to sing a song by herself. She tells me: "Shhhhhh! I sing it all my self. Shhhh!" It's sooo funny!
I feel like there's been SO many more. Just can't remember them all. It's such a blast to hear her express her own opinions. (Most of the time. lol.)
J: Madison...guess where I'm going tomorrow?
M: Where?
J: To MADISON, Wisconsin.
M: Noooo...Mama-Consin!
J: No, it's called Madison.
M: No. Mama. Bye-Bye, Daddy. Have fun!
Me: Madison...let's get going. We're going to Casey's to get the pizza and bread sticks.
M: Okay. We going to Casey's house! Where's Casey's house?
Me: Did you have fun swimming with Daddy?
Madison: Oh yes.
Me: Did Daddy have fun swimming with you?
Madison. Yes. Him luhb it. Him luhb swimming with me.
I had to swim with her one week. As we were leaving she tells me:
"Next time I want Daddy to swim with me again."
I guess Daddy is the best for swimming! lol!
M comes up to me at Stroller Strides with a green sprinkle on the tip of her finger.
(note - she had a few sprinkles on her pancakes that morning)Me: What's that? A sprinkle?!
M: Yeah. A green sprinkle.
Me: Where'd that come from?
M: My nose.
Me: Um. Ok. How'd it get there?
M: *sigh* I don't know Mommy.
a couple minutes later
Me: Hey...is that another sprinkle in your nose!? (As I see a white one in her nostril.)
M: What? A sprinkle! Oh goodness!
Josh: Madison, please be careful. I don't want you to get hurt.
Madison: I NEVER get hurt!
Madison: Me not sleep! Me not sleep! Me lookin' at stuff.
(angry girl who didn't want to nap)
We are all eating popsicles together. Madison quickly notices that Josh is finishing his first. M and I are still eating.
M: Mama. Daddy's all done. You need to share with Daddy.
Me: I need to share, huh?
M: Yes. Yes. Sharing is nice. Share with Daddy. Are you going to share with Daddy.
Me: I don't know.
M: Yes, Mama. Share. Share with Daddy.
Me: Are you going to share with Daddy?
M: (pause as she considers my question). Oh NO Mommy. No.
We were just driving in the van.
M: Mom. Can I have some quarters? I really really want to ride the choo-choo with Sarah Grace. Pleeeeaaaase!?!?!?!
Benny was barking at something one afternoon:
M: Shush, Benny, shush!!! Oh, Mom. Benny just barking at nothin'. I can't hear my show. *sigh*
Also, she regularly shushes me if she wants to sing a song by herself. She tells me: "Shhhhhh! I sing it all my self. Shhhh!" It's sooo funny!
I feel like there's been SO many more. Just can't remember them all. It's such a blast to hear her express her own opinions. (Most of the time. lol.)
4.15.2013
The Return Visit
One week. It's hard to believe that one week has passed since learning that I had miscarried. Last week was such a long week for me. And yet...life goes on. As it should. As I wake each morning, it is like a bad dream telling myself, reminding myself, that I'm not pregnant anymore. If it wasn't for M's sweet voice heard over the monitor talking and singing, I'm not sure how long it would have taken me to get out of bed.
I wonder how long the reality of my miscarriage will be the first thought in my head each morning?
This morning I had to return to the OBGYN's office for my post-miscarriage check-up.
I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt as I watched a pregnant couple smile and laugh while looking at their ultrasound pictures. But...bitterness is ugly, so I smiled at them, and they smiled back. It actually made me feel better. I am lucky because I know the happiness they are feeling.
Getting an ultrasound of your empty uterus is depressing. Like for real. I stared up at the ceiling...since there was no miracle to marvel at up on the screen...while the ultrasound-tech punched a bunch of buttons. And just like that...it was over. I was ushered back to the waiting room, and then back to a different room to wait for the doctor. The nurse said my blood pressure was high...but under my circumstances that was understandable. I was holding it together up to that point until she remarked, "These return visits are always difficult. It's ok." She left. My eyes welled up with tears, and yet, I was also angry at myself for crying. I wasn't going to cry. I hadn't cried about it for a few days, and I really didn't want to today.
Anyways, the doctor returned a few moments later and pulled her chair up next to me...looked me in the eyes, and asked how I was doing. Of course I cried a bit more. Ugh. I hate crying in front of people! I told her I was okay considering everything. She told me that everything from the ultrasound came back looking fine, and medically, I was cleared. Then, she gave me time to ask her any questions. I didn't really have too many questions. I of course asked her if it was my fault (which of course I knew it wasn't but couldn't help but ask), and she asked me if I did crack-cocaine! Which of course made me laugh. She assured me it was likely due to a chromosomal abnormality, and what happened was just what was meant to happen. I guess I just needed to hear it from a professional. She talked to me about what to expect from here regarding my body and if we want to try again in the future. And then, she was gone. I was alone again, took some deep breaths, dried my eyes, and then left.
As I wrote on FB last Friday:
Dearest Family and Friends - I truly want to thank you for all your kind words of support. much to my surprise - sharing my experience and from friends through FB comments and messages, my blog, and texts/phone calls have been so very comforting. I appreciate it so much, and please know that today is the first day this week that I've felt the most peace. Thank you.
And I really do mean that.
I was mostly astounded hearing from so many friends that have experienced miscarriages themselves. It made me so sad...yet, I also didn't feel so alone either. To those friends who shared their experiences with me. Thank you.
As I re-read this post...I have confess I still feel almost ashamed about my thoughts and feelings. Why is it I feel like I'm being over-dramatic in the situation? Maybe I am? I know my feelings of sadness and grief will subside over time. But for now...I still feel almost silly for being so sad about the loss of my 7 week old 'baby'...a baby the size of a blueberry (according to Baby Center). I smile at people and tell them I'm doing okay when they ask. And, that's not necesarily a lie. I am ok. But...it's not really the whole truth. I should say, "I'm doing ok, but, I'm still pretty angry and really sad about what happened." I guess I'm afraid most people are thinking that it was so early...so...it can't possibly be that hard to come to terms with. I mean...it's not like I was 12 weeks or 20 weeks along. But really, I guess that's like saying you can only be sad if you miscarry at 12 weeks. At 11 weeks, it's not big deal. And I know that doesn't make sense. And...I'm rambling....
Why is it so hard to accept my own feelings, and to not be embarrassed by them?
*sigh*
I wonder how long the reality of my miscarriage will be the first thought in my head each morning?
This morning I had to return to the OBGYN's office for my post-miscarriage check-up.
I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt as I watched a pregnant couple smile and laugh while looking at their ultrasound pictures. But...bitterness is ugly, so I smiled at them, and they smiled back. It actually made me feel better. I am lucky because I know the happiness they are feeling.
Getting an ultrasound of your empty uterus is depressing. Like for real. I stared up at the ceiling...since there was no miracle to marvel at up on the screen...while the ultrasound-tech punched a bunch of buttons. And just like that...it was over. I was ushered back to the waiting room, and then back to a different room to wait for the doctor. The nurse said my blood pressure was high...but under my circumstances that was understandable. I was holding it together up to that point until she remarked, "These return visits are always difficult. It's ok." She left. My eyes welled up with tears, and yet, I was also angry at myself for crying. I wasn't going to cry. I hadn't cried about it for a few days, and I really didn't want to today.
Anyways, the doctor returned a few moments later and pulled her chair up next to me...looked me in the eyes, and asked how I was doing. Of course I cried a bit more. Ugh. I hate crying in front of people! I told her I was okay considering everything. She told me that everything from the ultrasound came back looking fine, and medically, I was cleared. Then, she gave me time to ask her any questions. I didn't really have too many questions. I of course asked her if it was my fault (which of course I knew it wasn't but couldn't help but ask), and she asked me if I did crack-cocaine! Which of course made me laugh. She assured me it was likely due to a chromosomal abnormality, and what happened was just what was meant to happen. I guess I just needed to hear it from a professional. She talked to me about what to expect from here regarding my body and if we want to try again in the future. And then, she was gone. I was alone again, took some deep breaths, dried my eyes, and then left.
As I wrote on FB last Friday:
Dearest Family and Friends - I truly want to thank you for all your kind words of support. much to my surprise - sharing my experience and from friends through FB comments and messages, my blog, and texts/phone calls have been so very comforting. I appreciate it so much, and please know that today is the first day this week that I've felt the most peace. Thank you.
And I really do mean that.
I was mostly astounded hearing from so many friends that have experienced miscarriages themselves. It made me so sad...yet, I also didn't feel so alone either. To those friends who shared their experiences with me. Thank you.
As I re-read this post...I have confess I still feel almost ashamed about my thoughts and feelings. Why is it I feel like I'm being over-dramatic in the situation? Maybe I am? I know my feelings of sadness and grief will subside over time. But for now...I still feel almost silly for being so sad about the loss of my 7 week old 'baby'...a baby the size of a blueberry (according to Baby Center). I smile at people and tell them I'm doing okay when they ask. And, that's not necesarily a lie. I am ok. But...it's not really the whole truth. I should say, "I'm doing ok, but, I'm still pretty angry and really sad about what happened." I guess I'm afraid most people are thinking that it was so early...so...it can't possibly be that hard to come to terms with. I mean...it's not like I was 12 weeks or 20 weeks along. But really, I guess that's like saying you can only be sad if you miscarry at 12 weeks. At 11 weeks, it's not big deal. And I know that doesn't make sense. And...I'm rambling....
Why is it so hard to accept my own feelings, and to not be embarrassed by them?
*sigh*
4.12.2013
4.11.2013
Unexpected
Written on Tuesday, April 9th, 2013.
Finding the courage to post it today.
As I sit here I'm not even sure if I will post this. But, yet, I feel compelled to write. To share. To make known how I'm feeling because sometimes, it's just easier to write, than to say the actual words aloud. Part of me wants to keep this a secret. To share it with only a few close family members and friends. I feel shame and it's confusing. I also feel like this is a part of our lives. My life. And maybe sharing will help someone else (or even help me somehow). I don't know.
But I do apologize...it might be a bit too much for some.
Today I miscarried our baby. I'm about 7 weeks along. Correction. I SHOULD have been 7 weeks along.
As I sat in the bathroom. The first flush of the toilet ripped my soul in half. I really felt like I flushed our poor tiny baby down the toilet. As I sat in the bathroom - bleeding, wiping, flushing, crying, trying not to cry as M sat in the living room playing, texting Josh, and googling "What to expect during a miscarriage" - it was like a dream almost. Josh called (he was in WI for work). I couldn't even talk to him. For some reason. I didn't want to.
I sat in there for almost an hour...with the door closed of course because of M. But, I opened the door to check on M every 10-15 minutes and hearing her sweet voice, "Mom. I just reading this book to Piggy and Bunny. I ok." and "Mom. I just watching Olivia." actually helped to calm me. To hold it together. To be strong. For her. She of course did not know I was pregnant.
I went to the doctor yesterday - on Monday - after little, but constant bleeding/spotting all weekend. I was hoping for the best. But, was trying to prepare myself for the worst. I wasn't sure what to expect. But, in my heart I felt like something was wrong.
The sonographer was very quiet during my ultrasound. She said it was measuring small, about 6 weeks 4 days. I felt my heart drop. I knew I was closer to 7 weeks and a couple days. I have always been so regular and was pretty sure when we conceived. She didn't say anything about the heartbeat...and I didn't ask.
My cousin had met me there (since Josh is in WI for work), so we chatted for a while we waited for the midwife to come in to talk to me about the results. M read some books. I don't remember much else except for the midwife finally saying something like, "It looks like your baby stopped growing last week, and you're going to miscarry. I'm so sorry." I cried of course. I remember my cousin hugging me, and also trying to distract M. But...I tried to hold it together for M's sake. My midwife talked about what I could do from there. I listened to my options - wait for it to naturally happen, take a medication, or have a procedure done. I quickly decided on having a D&C as soon as possible. I wanted it to be over.
She sent me to speak to the doctor. He came in (it was actually the doctor that delivered M) and he encouraged me to wait for one week. See what happens, come in for another ultrasound in a week. He told me there was a slight, slight chance the baby would make it and that it may be just too small right now to 100% be able to hear the heartbeat. I half-heartily agreed. But left feeling like I really couldn't wait another week. A week of waiting. Of thinking too much.
I called Josh once we were back in the van.
I felt empty. Ashamed - as if I did something wrong (even though I know logically it's not my fault).
And then...I just drove. I drove and drove. I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to talk to anyone. M and I ended up in Muscatine. We ran a quick errand for work, and then headed to the park and to DQ for dinner. I wanted and needed to do something normal for the rest of the day. I needed to pass the time.
This morning when I woke up I was still spotting slightly. I had decided to meet a friend for lunch to help time pass, and I went down to load us up in the van and then...I felt a rush of something, and went right to the bathroom. My heart sank. I knew.
My feeling of losing this baby is so much stronger than I could have ever imagined. I've only known I'm pregnant for a few weeks...but in those few weeks most of my thoughts had been about baby #2 joining our family. Announcements and planning. It was fun for Josh and I to have this little secret. This precious little secret. And, now, it's gone. I guess I was attached much more than I had thought.
My grief is overwhelming at times...the intensity unexpected and even confusing.
I threw my pre-natal vitamins in the back of the cupboard. I deleted the Baby Bump application off my phone and had to figure out how to discontinue the weekly emails from Baby Center. I was and am angry. Already vowing not to sign up for those if/when I get pregnant again. I can feel the negative thoughts settling in on my heart. Trying to take over.
It's like a slow-slow death if you think about it. Every trip to the bathroom is the brutal reminder that the baby is gone. It wasn't viable. You're not pregnant anymore.
I'm a roller coaster of emotions. Sad. Sometimes (surprisingly) at peace. Angry. I feel guilty. So guilty. Sometimes it still feels like a dream. Like I can't believe this happened. I still made M's lunch today and played with her. Put her down for her nap. Drew her dragons, and made banana muffins with her. Her innocent little heart knows nothing is wrong...and for this, I'm SO thankful.
Written tonight.
To end this post:
1) I hesitated in sharing this post (and possible future posts) for fear of pity, sadness, and judgment by others. But I really feel like this is something I shouldn't hide from or be ashamed of. If you're a family member or a friend, I know you're sorry. It's ok. You don't have to say anything else. A hug can say it all. Or you can just say what we're all thinking - What happened is just plain terrible...nothing anyone should experience.
2) I'll be ok. I really will. I'm not saying there won't be more tears or maybe awkward moments or bad days. But, I'm a strong person, and will make it through this chapter of my life thanks to my wonderful husband, daughter, family, and friends. Probably also thanks to ice cream, chocolate, and BRAVO tv shows.
3) Please don't feel like you have to edit yourself around me. Talk about it with me if you want. But, if you don't want to talk about it, that's ok, too. I won't leave the conversation feeling like you don't care about me. Also, please don't feel like you can't talk to me about your pregnancy or baby. There's absolutely no hard feelings on my end. I still want to celebrate with you!
4) To other family and friends who may have experienced this - I am truly so so sorry - from the bottom of my heart.
I found this quote floating around the web, but couldn't source the author. I feel it really sums things up:
Finding the courage to post it today.
As I sit here I'm not even sure if I will post this. But, yet, I feel compelled to write. To share. To make known how I'm feeling because sometimes, it's just easier to write, than to say the actual words aloud. Part of me wants to keep this a secret. To share it with only a few close family members and friends. I feel shame and it's confusing. I also feel like this is a part of our lives. My life. And maybe sharing will help someone else (or even help me somehow). I don't know.
But I do apologize...it might be a bit too much for some.
Today I miscarried our baby. I'm about 7 weeks along. Correction. I SHOULD have been 7 weeks along.
As I sat in the bathroom. The first flush of the toilet ripped my soul in half. I really felt like I flushed our poor tiny baby down the toilet. As I sat in the bathroom - bleeding, wiping, flushing, crying, trying not to cry as M sat in the living room playing, texting Josh, and googling "What to expect during a miscarriage" - it was like a dream almost. Josh called (he was in WI for work). I couldn't even talk to him. For some reason. I didn't want to.
I sat in there for almost an hour...with the door closed of course because of M. But, I opened the door to check on M every 10-15 minutes and hearing her sweet voice, "Mom. I just reading this book to Piggy and Bunny. I ok." and "Mom. I just watching Olivia." actually helped to calm me. To hold it together. To be strong. For her. She of course did not know I was pregnant.
I went to the doctor yesterday - on Monday - after little, but constant bleeding/spotting all weekend. I was hoping for the best. But, was trying to prepare myself for the worst. I wasn't sure what to expect. But, in my heart I felt like something was wrong.
The sonographer was very quiet during my ultrasound. She said it was measuring small, about 6 weeks 4 days. I felt my heart drop. I knew I was closer to 7 weeks and a couple days. I have always been so regular and was pretty sure when we conceived. She didn't say anything about the heartbeat...and I didn't ask.
My cousin had met me there (since Josh is in WI for work), so we chatted for a while we waited for the midwife to come in to talk to me about the results. M read some books. I don't remember much else except for the midwife finally saying something like, "It looks like your baby stopped growing last week, and you're going to miscarry. I'm so sorry." I cried of course. I remember my cousin hugging me, and also trying to distract M. But...I tried to hold it together for M's sake. My midwife talked about what I could do from there. I listened to my options - wait for it to naturally happen, take a medication, or have a procedure done. I quickly decided on having a D&C as soon as possible. I wanted it to be over.
She sent me to speak to the doctor. He came in (it was actually the doctor that delivered M) and he encouraged me to wait for one week. See what happens, come in for another ultrasound in a week. He told me there was a slight, slight chance the baby would make it and that it may be just too small right now to 100% be able to hear the heartbeat. I half-heartily agreed. But left feeling like I really couldn't wait another week. A week of waiting. Of thinking too much.
I called Josh once we were back in the van.
I felt empty. Ashamed - as if I did something wrong (even though I know logically it's not my fault).
And then...I just drove. I drove and drove. I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to talk to anyone. M and I ended up in Muscatine. We ran a quick errand for work, and then headed to the park and to DQ for dinner. I wanted and needed to do something normal for the rest of the day. I needed to pass the time.
This morning when I woke up I was still spotting slightly. I had decided to meet a friend for lunch to help time pass, and I went down to load us up in the van and then...I felt a rush of something, and went right to the bathroom. My heart sank. I knew.
My feeling of losing this baby is so much stronger than I could have ever imagined. I've only known I'm pregnant for a few weeks...but in those few weeks most of my thoughts had been about baby #2 joining our family. Announcements and planning. It was fun for Josh and I to have this little secret. This precious little secret. And, now, it's gone. I guess I was attached much more than I had thought.
My grief is overwhelming at times...the intensity unexpected and even confusing.
I threw my pre-natal vitamins in the back of the cupboard. I deleted the Baby Bump application off my phone and had to figure out how to discontinue the weekly emails from Baby Center. I was and am angry. Already vowing not to sign up for those if/when I get pregnant again. I can feel the negative thoughts settling in on my heart. Trying to take over.
It's like a slow-slow death if you think about it. Every trip to the bathroom is the brutal reminder that the baby is gone. It wasn't viable. You're not pregnant anymore.
I'm a roller coaster of emotions. Sad. Sometimes (surprisingly) at peace. Angry. I feel guilty. So guilty. Sometimes it still feels like a dream. Like I can't believe this happened. I still made M's lunch today and played with her. Put her down for her nap. Drew her dragons, and made banana muffins with her. Her innocent little heart knows nothing is wrong...and for this, I'm SO thankful.
Written tonight.
To end this post:
1) I hesitated in sharing this post (and possible future posts) for fear of pity, sadness, and judgment by others. But I really feel like this is something I shouldn't hide from or be ashamed of. If you're a family member or a friend, I know you're sorry. It's ok. You don't have to say anything else. A hug can say it all. Or you can just say what we're all thinking - What happened is just plain terrible...nothing anyone should experience.
2) I'll be ok. I really will. I'm not saying there won't be more tears or maybe awkward moments or bad days. But, I'm a strong person, and will make it through this chapter of my life thanks to my wonderful husband, daughter, family, and friends. Probably also thanks to ice cream, chocolate, and BRAVO tv shows.
3) Please don't feel like you have to edit yourself around me. Talk about it with me if you want. But, if you don't want to talk about it, that's ok, too. I won't leave the conversation feeling like you don't care about me. Also, please don't feel like you can't talk to me about your pregnancy or baby. There's absolutely no hard feelings on my end. I still want to celebrate with you!
4) To other family and friends who may have experienced this - I am truly so so sorry - from the bottom of my heart.
I found this quote floating around the web, but couldn't source the author. I feel it really sums things up:
"It's hard to say goodbye when you never had the chance to say hello."
4.08.2013
Our Week in Camera Phone Pics (5)
I haven't done this for a while, so thought it was time.
Monday the 1st - Good Morning! Shopping at HyVee in her favorite pink car cart (although she kept wishing her bestie SG was riding with her). Ice-Cream treat. Combing her hair and 'making it beautiful' after her bath.
Tuesday the 2nd - So happy holding baby Lincoln. Fun at the park - no fear of the tall-twisty slide and sliding with Mama. Ice-cream (again) with Grandpa.
Wednesday the 3rd - She made a card for her friend, SG. I'm so impressed with her coloring of the hearts and flowers. Walking the dogs to the post office. Chillin' in her new bean-bag chair. Helpin' Mama with dishes.
Thursday the 4th - M such a helper! Begging for this giraffe (she got it by the way - thanks to Gpa!). Sliiiiiiiiide! Her first little manicure!
Friday the 5th - Playing with Liv at Stroller Strides (right after this pic she pushed her backwards. :( Poor Liv!) More park fun with Gpa Dave and Great Grandma Bevy. Yay! Daddy's home - time to paint!
Saturday the 6th - Swim class at the Y. Followed by some basketball. Shopping for tools. Puppet show with Grandma Tracy.
Sunday the 7th - Her favorite-Sprinkle donut holes! Playing outside with a lady bug.
Monday the 1st - Good Morning! Shopping at HyVee in her favorite pink car cart (although she kept wishing her bestie SG was riding with her). Ice-Cream treat. Combing her hair and 'making it beautiful' after her bath.
Tuesday the 2nd - So happy holding baby Lincoln. Fun at the park - no fear of the tall-twisty slide and sliding with Mama. Ice-cream (again) with Grandpa.
Wednesday the 3rd - She made a card for her friend, SG. I'm so impressed with her coloring of the hearts and flowers. Walking the dogs to the post office. Chillin' in her new bean-bag chair. Helpin' Mama with dishes.
Thursday the 4th - M such a helper! Begging for this giraffe (she got it by the way - thanks to Gpa!). Sliiiiiiiiide! Her first little manicure!
Friday the 5th - Playing with Liv at Stroller Strides (right after this pic she pushed her backwards. :( Poor Liv!) More park fun with Gpa Dave and Great Grandma Bevy. Yay! Daddy's home - time to paint!
Saturday the 6th - Swim class at the Y. Followed by some basketball. Shopping for tools. Puppet show with Grandma Tracy.
Sunday the 7th - Her favorite-Sprinkle donut holes! Playing outside with a lady bug.
It was a fun and busy week! :) Happy Monday!
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