Going Out in Public

When you see this picture, you probably focus in on my 4 little cuties. I see Josh...and I smile to myself because I now remember that he's a good 15 minutes into a conversation with some strangers about our children and having triplets. For once...I let him handle all the nosy and annoying questions that I usually deal with. lol.

This took place about 9 months ago. We decided to be brave and venture out with all 4 of our kiddos to an indoor play area at South Park. I am pretty good at avoiding all eye-contact and giving short (but sweet) answers to stranger's questions/comments. Josh usually is, too - but at a place like this, if you get stuck by someone, it can be harder to get away. I was glad I got to chase the littles around.

Here we are all headed to the mall.

Now, I realize that triplets are a rare sight, and I know that comments and looks will happen. I do dress mine alike (and in public, it's actually easier to keep an eye on them this way) so that brings more attention. The majority of the time, I am okay with it, and try and answer most questions as gracefully as I can. However, many of the questions we get are often very personal and sometimes even hurtful. So, if I seem guarded or unfriendly in public, it's because I'm also just wanting to go about my business like everyone else, or I'm worried about what some stranger is going to say about my children or me.

LOVE Target carts for 3. C and C had their feet up for the end of the ride.


On the flip side, of course the majority of comments and questions are all very positive and sweet. So, I try and remember not to let a few bad apples ruin the whole bunch. However, if I had a dollar for every time I heard the phrase, "Wow. Your hands are full!" I'd be rich!!!

4 Kids?!

Okay. Time for a post that's a bit more than 'hey - we did this - it was fun - look at these pictures!' I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm all for those posts :), this just isn't one of them. I'm not really sure, where I'm going with this post...but I had these pictures that I wanted to use, and all I could think about when I looked at them was:

"I have 4 kids. How in the heck do I have 4 kids?!?!?"

To be honest, I don't think a day goes by without that thought crossing my mind at least once.

We all have certain expectations of how our lives will turn out. Many of those things will change over time, and some are under our control and some are not. But, regardless, we have hopes and dreams and expectations and visions of our future.

Josh and I always knew we wanted children, and we thought 2 would be perfect. We knew they'd be a part of our life either biologically or through adoption or through any other means necessary.

In my twenties, I didn't know anything about fertility issues (learned about this heartache from many dear friends) or miscarriages (experienced one between Madison and the boys). I didn't even know what it meant to be a parent or how it'd feel to be a Mother.

Either way, we were naive and just planned on being a happy little family of 4.

And...instead we are happy not-so-little family of 6.

(Not the best, but the most recent, picture of the 6 of us.)

Life with 4 kids, three of which are the trio, can be certainly be hectic and stressful and li'l crazy sometimes. There are days where I count down the minutes to bed time. There are days I don't think I'll survive another minute. There are days when I feel like I'm failing them, and I question myself and the reason why we have 4 children.

I NEVER EVER thought I'd have 4 children. EVER.
(I also NEVER EVER thought I'd love a minivan - but that could be another post, too. lol.)

And yet - here they are. And, I can't imagine living one second without any of them.

They make me want to pull out my hair and run away sometimes. They confuse me and test my patience and limits almost daily.

But they have also filled my heart with more love than I can describe. Their smiles and laughter make any sadness that's invading my heart fade away immediately. They are my life and I'm SO SO SO thankful they are mine.

"I have 4 kids. How in the heck do I have 4 kids?!?!?"

Dear Madison

Dear Madison,

All of our lives are about to change within the next few weeks. As excited as I am to welcome your brothers to our family. I think everyday about how your little life is about to change in so many ways. For almost 3.5 years, you have been the center of my world and my first priority (along with your Daddy of course). While I know that being able to grow our family and make you a sister is a great honor for your Daddy and me, I also want to share with you just how special YOU are and always will be to me.

Just looking at you makes my heart skip a beat, and the love I feel for you is indescribable and ever growing.

I never knew the kind of love I'd feel for my child until I had you. As my first-born you will always and forever hold a special place in my heart. No one can or ever will replace your role in my life. You taught me what a privilege it is to be a mother. And, every day I feel a love that I never knew existed all because of you.

I want you to know that you are one my greatest accomplishments. That every moment when I look at you, I can't believe you're MY daughter. That you love me. Your hugs melt me and instantly bring a calmness to my life. Your sassy-ness humbles me, frustrates me, and reminds me of the importance of forgiveness, acceptance, and empathy.

Every night after you are tucked into bed and sleeping, your Daddy and I talk about how proud of you we are. We share the funny or sweet or helpful things you accomplished that day. Some days we talk about how glad we are you're finally in bed if we've all had a long day together. We talk about how you're the best little girl in the world. We talk about how smart you are. We talk about our hopes and dreams for you.

And now...we also talk about what kind of a big sister you'll be. It nearly brings me to tears every night when you put little hand on my belly and sing "Twinkle Twinkle" to your brothers before bed. You will be the most perfect big sister for these lil' boys. You all are so fortunate to have each other.

So, I just want you to know that I know life is changing in a big way for all of us. It won't always be easy. But, it will most definitely be worth it. Your Daddy and I will always love you and always help you in any way we can. You will forever be our sweet little Princess (Daddy's nickname for you) and Babycakes (Mama's nickname for you). We will always be there for you and love you no matter what life brings our way.

Thank you for being you. For being our precious daughter. And, for being a loving big sister to your brothers.

Love You Always and Forever,

Mama

Triplet Pregnancy Update: 17.5 Weeks

So I finally got around to getting (Josh to humor me and take) another baby bump picture!

I'm almost 18 weeks. I realized this week that I'm halfway to my goal of carrying them for 34 weeks! Wohoo! (And...that's also scary that I'm half way there already!!! Seriously.)

I'm definitely carrying these babies so much higher than with Madison. But...again...that's expected (and, really...why I am even trying to compare this pregnancy to Madison! LOL!)

No real cravings recently...except for Mexican food (and fountain Coke). I also told Josh I really needed eat a steak at some point this weekend. :) I'm also still enjoying orange juice with ice.

My belly button has been sticking out for a couple weeks now...but Madison thinks it's hilarious. Me...not so much.

I *think* I've felt some minor fluttering movement from the babies...but I'm not 100% sure it's from the babies.

I go back next week for my 18 week appointment. I'm not scheduled for an ultrasound - so you all have to wait for another 2 weeks to hear the genders! Sorry!!! We just want to be 100% sure before we share!

Ok...feel free to stop reading...the rest of the entry is me kinda venting about things not in my control anyways. :) 

**********************************

This has been a semi-stressful week for me. I'm feeling pretty good overall. But, the official worrying about, oh, EVERYTHING has really begun. 

To start with, I learned that there was a confirmed case of Fifths Disease in Madison's class last week. This is really no big deal for most children and adults because it's kind of like a viral cold that is followed by a harmless rash...BUT, it is one virus that CAN be passed from a pregnant mother to her babies. Madison came down with a fever on Tuesday. So...I called my OB immediately on Wednesday. M's fever was over by Thursday morning (no rash...yet) and now she just has a slight tiny cough. Now, it's very likely I had this virus as a child and am already immune (best case scenario), but, to be safe, I had to have my blood drawn for testing. The test can tell me if I'm already immune or if I have Fifths Disease or if I don't. Then, I have to go back in a month for ANOTHER blood test no matter what the results just to be sure. Ugh. I haven't heard back from the lab yet...so I have to wait all weekend and was told I might not hear back until Tuesday. Oh well. Either way...there is really nothing I can do about it. So, I'm just crossing my fingers I'm already immune. (And trying not to worry all weekend!)

I'm also spending too much time on Google (and probably should be spending more time blogging - haha!) and getting worried that I'm not eating enough, not drinking enough water, not resting enough... And of course I'm worried about the possibility and severity of bed-rest I may have to endure and how that will effect Madison. Of course I'm also worried about what it will mean to have to care for preemie babies...etc. etc. etc. Whew. I know it's normal to have some anxieties...and I also know so much is out of my control...so I really am trying my best to relax. It has nothing to do with not feeling support from family and friends...just my own thoughts and fears as a Mother.

I miss my Mom. A lot. I mean, I always miss my Mom of course, but when I'm going through these big life events there's always a tiny bit of emptiness in my heart. I know it will always be there. It's just more noticeable during certain chapters of my life. 

I'm also not 100% satisfied with the current OB doctors I'm with. It's a long story. But sooner rather than later Josh and I need to make a decision to switch OBs and/or find a specialist in IA City. I go for my Level 2 Ultrasound Oct. 1 at 20 weeks and we will talk more with the doctors there once we know the results of the ultrasound (another thing I'm already worrying about). *sigh*

Ok. Whine fest 2013 is over (for now). I got it all out and now I need to get over it. I need to...I will think positive and just enjoy my beautiful family, wonderful friends, and the life I'm living.

I'm gonna post this (sorry if there's typos) and work on some more blog posts! *gasp* I am also going to try to get back to my Foto Friday posts starting next week! Wohoo!

Disgusted with A&F

When I saw this image and this article floating around FB, I was appalled.

I've just now learned that A&F does NOT make clothes in XL or 2XL for women, and their jeans stop at size 10.

I immediately vowed to myself to never purchase clothes from this business...and I will not allow Madison to either (once she is older obviously).

After the shock wore off, I remembered when Coralville, IA opened their new mall. I believe I was a sophomore or junior in high school. I remember my friends and I asking/begging our parents and getting permission to take a day trip there...which was a big deal since it was about an hour drive. The store we were most excited about was Abercrombie & Fitch. I can still picture the long sleeve shirt and sweater I purchased...for an extraordinary amount of money. I remember feeling anxious about spending so much of my hard earned money on a couple shirts, but I was also excited, and couldn't wait to wear my new shirts to school. Mission accomplished from the CEO's perspective I guess. :(

As a mother, I hope that I raise Madison to understand why this man's statements are hurtful to so many people - no matter their size - and in so many ways for so many reasons. I hope that when she's old enough to understand, I can read her this man's statements and ask her how it makes her feel, and if she feels she should support this man's business by purchasing clothes from A&F. (As a side note - as an adult, I've been very uncomfortable with the hyper-sexual ads A&F used anyways.)

I actually feel very sorry for this man.

Unexpected

Written on Tuesday, April 9th, 2013.

Finding the courage to post it today.

As I sit here I'm not even sure if I will post this. But, yet, I feel compelled to write. To share. To make known how I'm feeling because sometimes, it's just easier to write, than to say the actual words aloud. Part of me wants to keep this a secret. To share it with only a few close family members and friends. I feel shame and it's confusing. I also feel like this is a part of our lives. My life. And maybe sharing will help someone else (or even help me somehow). I don't know.

But I do apologize...it might be a bit too much for some.

Today I miscarried our baby. I'm about 7 weeks along. Correction. I SHOULD have been 7 weeks along.

As I sat in the bathroom. The first flush of the toilet ripped my soul in half. I really felt like I flushed our poor tiny baby down the toilet. As I sat in the bathroom - bleeding, wiping, flushing, crying, trying not to cry as M sat in the living room playing, texting Josh, and googling "What to expect during a miscarriage" - it was like a dream almost. Josh called (he was in WI for work). I couldn't even talk to him. For some reason. I didn't want to.

I sat in there for almost an hour...with the door closed of course because of M. But, I opened the door to check on M every 10-15 minutes and hearing her sweet voice, "Mom. I just reading this book to Piggy and Bunny. I ok."  and "Mom. I just watching Olivia." actually helped to calm me. To hold it together. To be strong. For her. She of course did not know I was pregnant.

I went to the doctor yesterday - on Monday - after little, but constant bleeding/spotting all weekend. I was hoping for the best. But, was trying to prepare myself for the worst. I wasn't sure what to expect. But, in my heart I felt like something was wrong.

The sonographer was very quiet during my ultrasound. She said it was measuring small, about 6 weeks 4 days. I felt my heart drop. I knew I was closer to 7 weeks and a couple days. I have always been so regular and was pretty sure when we conceived. She didn't say anything about the heartbeat...and I didn't ask.

My cousin had met me there (since Josh is in WI for work), so we chatted for a while we waited for the midwife to come in to talk to me about the results. M read some books. I don't remember much else except for the midwife finally saying something like, "It looks like your baby stopped growing last week, and you're going to miscarry. I'm so sorry." I cried of course. I remember my cousin hugging me, and also trying to distract M. But...I tried to hold it together for M's sake. My midwife talked about what I could do from there. I listened to my options - wait for it to naturally happen, take a medication, or have a procedure done. I quickly decided on having a D&C as soon as possible. I wanted it to be over.

She sent me to speak to the doctor. He came in (it was actually the doctor that delivered M) and he encouraged me to wait for one week. See what happens, come in for another ultrasound in a week. He told me there was a slight, slight chance the baby would make it and that it may be just too small right now to 100% be able to hear the heartbeat. I half-heartily agreed. But left feeling like I really couldn't wait another week. A week of waiting. Of thinking too much.

I called Josh once we were back in the van.

I felt empty. Ashamed - as if I did something wrong (even though I know logically it's not my fault).

And then...I just drove. I drove and drove. I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to talk to anyone. M and I ended up in Muscatine. We ran a quick errand for work, and then headed to the park and to DQ for dinner. I wanted and needed to do something normal for the rest of the day. I needed to pass the time.

This morning when I woke up I was still spotting slightly. I had decided to meet a friend for lunch to help time pass, and I went down to load us up in the van and then...I felt a rush of something, and went right to the bathroom. My heart sank. I knew.

My feeling of losing this baby is so much stronger than I could have ever imagined. I've only known I'm pregnant for a few weeks...but in those few weeks most of my thoughts had been about baby #2 joining our family. Announcements and planning. It was fun for Josh and I to have this little secret. This precious little secret. And, now, it's gone. I guess I was attached much more than I had thought.

My grief is overwhelming at times...the intensity unexpected and even confusing.

I threw my pre-natal vitamins in the back of the cupboard. I deleted the Baby Bump application off my phone and had to figure out how to discontinue the weekly emails from Baby Center. I was and am angry. Already vowing not to sign up for those if/when I get pregnant again. I can feel the negative thoughts settling in on my heart. Trying to take over.

It's like a slow-slow death if you think about it. Every trip to the bathroom is the brutal reminder that the baby is gone. It wasn't viable. You're not pregnant anymore.

I'm a roller coaster of emotions. Sad. Sometimes (surprisingly) at peace. Angry. I feel guilty. So guilty. Sometimes it still feels like a dream. Like I can't believe this happened. I still made M's lunch today and played with her. Put her down for her nap. Drew her dragons, and made banana muffins with her. Her innocent little heart knows nothing is wrong...and for this, I'm SO thankful.

Written tonight.

To end this post:

1) I hesitated in sharing this post (and possible future posts) for fear of pity, sadness, and judgment by others. But I really feel like this is something I shouldn't hide from or be ashamed of. If you're a family member or a friend, I know you're sorry. It's ok. You don't have to say anything else. A hug can say it all. Or you can just say what we're all thinking - What happened is just plain terrible...nothing anyone should experience.

2) I'll be ok. I really will. I'm not saying there won't be more tears or maybe awkward moments or bad days. But, I'm a strong person, and will make it through this chapter of my life thanks to my wonderful husband, daughter, family, and friends. Probably also thanks to ice cream, chocolate, and BRAVO tv shows.

3) Please don't feel like you have to edit yourself around me. Talk about it with me if you want. But, if you don't want to talk about it, that's ok, too. I won't leave the conversation feeling like you don't care about me. Also, please don't feel like you can't talk to me about your pregnancy or baby.  There's absolutely no hard feelings on my end. I still want to celebrate with you!

4) To other family and friends who may have experienced this - I am truly so so sorry - from the bottom of my heart.

I found this quote floating around the web, but couldn't source the author. I feel it really sums things up:

"It's hard to say goodbye when you never had the chance to say hello."

Puddles in January & Letting Go

I am the kind of Mom that easily gets caught up in the 'daily grind and schedule' of caring for our little girl.

I have to admit that in general, I feel that less mess equals less stress for me as a self-admitted type-A-always cleaning-germaphobe-sometimes over anxious about all the what-ifs in life-Mama.

But...the one lesson that I believe ONLY my daughter could have taught me how to allow myself to let go.
How to let go of thinking about how big of a mess something is going to make.

How to let go of watching the clock to make sure we 'stay on schedule.'

How to let go of worrying about how much of my to-do list I complete during her nap.

How to let go of always wondering, "Am I a good wife?  A good mother? Am I doing enough for my family?"

How to let go and just be.

Yesterday was an unseasonably 'warm' day. All the snow was melting, and our driveway was full of puddles. As we arrived home from our morning of exercise class, lunch date with our friends, and a quick lunch with Josh, I knew M's nap was right around the corner. I had a list of about a hundred or so things that needed to be done during her nap. Oh, and M was in one of her 'cute outfits' that included white leggings.  And....and...and then I looked in my rear view mirror and saw my daughter's smiling face and heard her so politely request, "May I have pink boots on? Please?"

And (surprisingly) I decided I was going to just let go. 

"Madison. Are you ready to jump in all those puddles?" I asked her.

"Oh yes, Mama! Puddles!" Madison squealed with delight.

And I'm so happy I did because M had SO. MUCH. FUN. It was maybe for only 25 minutes, but during that 25 minutes she smiled the whole time. She laughed. She jumped. She ran. And the JOY radiated off her.

It really was the perfect way to end our afternoon before her nap. 

And so what if I had to strip soaked socks and leggings off of her. So what if she stayed up past her usual nap time. So what if some parent driving by thought I was crazy since it wasn't exactly warm out and here I was letting my child get wet and play outside. So what if the possibility of a shorter nap meant I wouldn't get EVERYTHING done I wanted to. So what.

Letting go. So hard to do sometimes. Yet SO good to do it. 

(Every once in a while anyways. Come on...you know I can't be a totally care-free, super-go-with-the flow Mom. It's just not in me!)

Thank you, Madison, for reminding me everyday about the simple joys in life and encouraging me to just let go and enjoy the moment.

"She Looks Just Like Her Mama."

Only after 28 years of life did I meet MY first biological family member. Our precious daughter, Madison. 

So when family, friends, and even strangers tell me she looks just like me, it makes my heart skip. Every time. And it probably always will.

Physical resemblances are something I never even thought twice about. No wait...I have thought about it. If I honestly reflect back on my life...I know I've thought about it. Heck. I still think about it! It's something that is almost magical to me. Is that crazy?! (I know it's not magic but simple genetics.) I love looking at someone's face and seeing how they resemble their parents or seeing a group of siblings that share family resemblances. I am even so thankful for my two Aunts...as certain facial expressions and angles of their faces remind me of my mother.

So now, I find myself looking at my Madison. A lot. I know we have the same eyes and the same nose. She has her Daddy's mouth and hair. She also has the most perfect combination of both of our not so pretty feet.

Perhaps I just didn't want to acknowledge I was really thinking about something that I felt, and maybe still feel, is something I shouldn't be thinking about. Being adopted...that whole being born in another country and flying to the United States at the tender age of 3 months. I would never want my Dad or family to feel as if I don't feel 100% part of our family. Because I do. I love my parents and family unconditionally. Heck. I forget I'm even adopted half the time!!! It almost always takes other people's questions to remind me that I am Korean...or that my brother and I are not biologically related. So for me, it's kinda a double-edged sword. Do I celebrate and relish in the fact that I finally have an obvious mini-me? Or am I placing too high of an importance on the fact that Madison is my biological daughter? Maybe these aren't even related and I just need to stop over-thinking this aspect of my life.

What I do know is that I can't help but feel the same ever-lasting unconditional love for Madison as I also feel for and from MY parents. My parents and I may not be bonded by blood...but we still share a special and ever-lasting parent/child relationship. 

I don't think I can really compare Madison and me with my Dad and me. It's like comparing apples and oranges. Each relationship is it's own. I've decided to just be appreciate of the fact that I've been given family through both circumstances. That I've had the privilege to learn the power of love and the strength of family through adoption and through biological birth.

Working Mom v. SAHM v. WFHM

(That last one is Work-From-Home-Mom by the way.)

Yes, this post was inspired by the recent comment from Hilary Rosen and the public coverage/outrage/discussions that have since followed.

Anyways, here's my two cents. What's the most important word that they all share? MOM! No matter what, we are all Moms. We all want what's best for our children. We make choices in our lives that benefit us as Moms and as women.

To me, a Working Mom saying a SAHM doesn't "really work," is like a SAHM saying a Working Mom doesn't love her children as much as a SAHM. Both statements are generalizations and unfair.

And what about me...I don't consider myself a SAHM or a Working Mom since I am a WFHM. Where does that leave me? Oh yeah...WHO CARES?! I am a Mom. :) I'm just doing what's best for my family and for me.

And also, I wish I hadn't even titled this post with the 'versus' symbol. As women, we should not be against each other and judging other Moms and their decisions...we should just support each other. Every woman/mom/parent for that matter, just needs to do what's right for them, for their families, for their lives.

Anyways, just because I can't have a post without a picture. Here's my most recent favorite photo of M and me. (I think she's officially lost all the 'baby' in her face!)

I Can't Believe I Drive a Mini-Van!

As my good IRL and fellow-blogger friend, Michelle, so truthfully stated on this Foto Friday post...yes, I crossed to the dark side of being a mini-van owner!!!

What? Wait? How did this happen!?

I always swore that no matter what...I'd never be that soccer mom driving the dreaded mini-van. And, here I am...(not necessarily a soccer mom...yet(?!) the PROUD new owner of a mini-van. What's next...are some high-waisted Mom-jeans going to find their way into my closet???? Please dear family and friends...if I am ever wearing Mom-jeans...PLEASE intervene!!!

Ok, so back to my original question - how did this happen? How did I find myself sitting at the car dealership signing away my life the paperwork to become a new owner of a Honda Odyssey?

Life happened. M happened.

Isn't she cute back there!?

Obviously purchasing a new vehicle is a HUGE decision. After much research, debate, number crunching and budgeting, and self-reflection, I realized that the reason I didn't want a mini-van was solely due to me feeling like it would somehow tarnish my 'cool-mom' image...an image that I realized I don't really hold anyways (ha!)...and an image that is pretty selfish really.

Ok. More specifically, here's what SOLD me on the Odyssey:

-The push-button/automatic sliding back doors are WONDERFUL. When I'm by myself with M, this small convenience makes the world of difference..

-The roominess inside is GREAT. I can sit inside and change her diaper/clean her up very comfortably. Also, more room for guests to travel with us!

-The MPG were a tad better than the Acadia...and since I live in the country and do a fair amount of highway driving...this does add up.

-The Odyssey has a very smooth and comfortable ride.

-More storage for stuff all of M's junk, I mean stuff.

-The DVD player is a super nice bonus. The DVD screen has the ability to have a split screen. And, it has wireless headphones so in the future my kids (yes, we plan on having more someday) can each watch a movie, and I could still listen to music. Yes, my future kids are already being spoiled?!

A random (and crooked) shot of my view as the driver:

So, even though the Acadia holds the 'coolness' factor for me...the Odyssey had a few more benefits that I would have felt silly choosing the Acadia just because I considered it a 'cooler' car.

And yet, at the end of this post, all I can conclude with is: Uggghhhh. I'm old. :)

Proof: I drive a mini-van. And, I just used the words 'cooler' and 'coolness" in this post.

:) Happy Driving All! And hugs to all my fellow mini-van Mamas!

Pumpkins, S'mores & Chainsaws, Oh My!

PUMPKINS
Last Saturday afternoon we went to the Red Barn Pumpkin Farm. It's just outside of Muscatine, is family owned and operated and is super nice for families with young children. *I highly recommend it!*

Madison was first attracted to the "corn boxes." If we had more time, Madison would have played much longer.

There was also a tiny corn maze that M went through with Daddy, some cute photo ops, and tractors for the kids to ride. We didn't have enough time as I should have planned for. BUMMER! Oh well...next year!

We ended up with one big pumpkin that Josh will carve Muno into (I'm hoping...since I couldn't find a Muno costume for him to wear). Also, we let M pick out any smallish pumpkin she wanted...and this tiny one is the one she chose! (She lost interest when she discovered she couldn't really eat it.)

S'MORES

After the pumpkin patch, we were headed to dinner and then a bonfire and haunted hayrack ride with the family at Schone's Friendship Farm in Milan, IL.

We started out hanging by the fire. M had her first taste of a s'more with Mama. She really liked the marshmallow...until G'ma Tracy gave her a bite of her blackened burned marshmallow...then she wouldn't eat any more s'mores. Oh well! Guess she's like her Mama and only likes her marshmallows lightly roasted...not black and burnt like her Daddy and G'ma like them! Haha!

CHAINSAWS

After s'mores, it was our turn for the haunted hay rack...I was hesitant to take M on it, but had called earlier and asked about it and was told I should be able to "shield her" from seeing anything, that it was "family" oriented, and that other families took young children on it...so...we decided to try it out....

Here we are getting ready to start!

Sorry...no more pictures of us on the ride...she did fine at the beginning, until a scary guy jumped ONTO the hay rack with a loud chainsaw and scared the bejesus out of EVERYONE! From then on...for the next 25 minutes she was glued to her Mama...burying her head in my shoulder, squeezing me tightly, and staring at her Daddy. :( Poor girl...lots of scary people in masks continued to jump on the hay rack...Josh got very defensive and told a couple of them who kept getting in her face to, "Back OFF! Dude...she's 1!"

Besides that, we had a great time, the ride was actually pretty scary, and I imagine quite fun if you didn't have a scared one year old to worry about, and it was REALLY nice at the bonfire. The farm provides the fire pit, wood, a picnic table, and a garbage. Guests can then bring their own chairs, food, drinks, etc. *I would definitely recommend this place for large groups.* People can easily stay at their assigned bonfire site if they wanted to skip the hayrack ride. THANKS, G'ma Tracy for treating us!

After the ride, she was back in to having fun with G'pa Louie and her glow in the dark necklace that G'ma Bev bought her!

That was our fun-filled fall day full of pumpkins, s'mores, and chainsaws, oh my!

"Good Slant" ... (Whaaaat?)

Interesting Lunch Experience

Random woman: "What nationality are you?" (while oogling Madison)

Me: "I'm Korean."

Random woman: "She's got a good slant to her eyes." (She meant this as a compliment.)

...loooooong awkward pause from Josh and me...

Me: "Um, thanks."

She was sitting behind us at the restaurant, so after the "good slant" comment, Josh and I couldn't really debrief. Anyways, later when we were leaving, she shared that she was half-Japanese and was adopted. Was this supposed to make this less awkward...because it didn't. Her mullet didn't make it less awkward either. I digress...

So, I've gotten the first question from strangers a lot, so I'm used to random people asking me that. (Although, I still do find it kind of rude in certain situations. I have never walked up to a random White person and asked what are you? But, whatev. I'm used to it.) It's happened more times than I can count, and it's definitely not the worse thing that's ever happened to me regarding being Korean.

But, when someone offends my daughter (now, I know she didn't know what was going on, but I flash-forwarded to the day where she will)...that brought on a flood of emotion...sadness really...an immediate reminder that someday Madison will likely be made fun, or be made to feel uncomfortable due to being half-Asian. I'm so quickly reminded that I can't protect her from everything. It hurts, and it scares me. Many times people are not intentionally trying to make me (or will try and make her) feel uncomfortable, but the impact is all the same.

It's a great lesson...intent versus impact. I learned about this when I worked at the University of Minnesota through Social Justice training and retreats.

Intent versus Impact

Example: You are in a crowded subway and someone accidentally steps on your toe. You know they didn't mean for it to hurt, they didn't intentionally step on your foot, however, it still hurts all the same.

*Even though it was unintentional, it still hurts. Make sense?*

It's ok if you think I'm making a big deal out of this. But I've always been very self-conscious about the shape of my eyes. As this women said "good slant," she unknowingly unleashed images into my head of Madison being cornered by kids pulling their eyes back and screaming, "ching-chong-chang," and kids asking Madison why her eyes look different...etc.

Now, I understand the world is progressing and I truly hope she never experiences these situations (as I have), but you never know. And, as a parent, I want to do all I can to always protect her and keep her from ever feeling any hurt or shame regarding her Asian genetics.

I also realize I can never protect her from everything, and it makes me think about how I'll want to teach her to handle these kind of situations and herself. To make sure she is confident, educated, kind, and forgiving. To be a good role model for her. To make sure she can talk to me if she's put in uncomfortable situations.

Sorry for the deep and kind of depressing post.

Just had a lot on my mind.

Thanks for listening!

Love this little girl!