Triplet Pregnancy Update: 20 Weeks

20 weeks already! I can't believe it!

Here I am! (Is this blurry...or is it just me?!)

I've already been asked a few times if, "I'm due any day now!?" Um. NOPE!

I should also mention our ultrasound has been rescheduled from tomorrow to Thursday of this week. And...we're getting family photos and gender reveal photos taken on Sunday...SO...look for the gender announcement sometime next week!

We asked Madison what we should name the babies. 

Her choices: FiFi, Doh-Doh, and Susie. 

Ummmm....

I'm definitely feeling flutters from the babies daily. Not a ton of movement yet...but definitely flutters on a daily basis. :) Flutters...and pressure...and stretching.

I guess I don't have too much else to report right now. Physically, I'm doing pretty good I think. I just can't sit or walk for too long without feeling a bit uncomfortable. But after a short rest laying down I can get back to whatever I was doing. I'm sleeping ok. I'm never really starving...but am still loving Mexican food, and I want to eat steak at any chance I get. I started drinking Ensure drinks a few times a week for now for the extra protein.

Of course I can feel that I'm not able to lift things as well...and in general...my belly gets in the way a bit more. But...that's expected I guess. 

I'm still getting out and doing as much as I can and feel comfortable with. I want to enjoy my life and routine and independence while I can for the next couple months! October is a busy month for us with a lot of fun weekend plans so I'm looking forward to it and hoping my body continues to stay strong carrying these babies.

As I said, physically, I'm doing ok. Mentally...that's a whole different story. LOL! Thank you, hormones. I still feel irritable a lot, and feel myself losing my patience with people maybe a bit sooner than I normally would. So, can I apologize now in advance to you all?!

Also, I'm actually getting pretty anxious about losing aspects of my independence with the possibility of bed rest down the road. And, once the babies arrive I know I'll need help and will be surrounded by people. Although it will be people I love...for a semi-introvert like me...losing my alone time is a bit of a daunting feeling. I know I will adjust...but for now...I'm just trying to prepare myself mentally....and being a bit of a hermit sometimes.

Also, I know I haven't blogged about it recently, but I do feel like I'm still working through my miscarriage experience from this Spring. Of course I'm anxious about a lot of things in general since multiples are high risk. But, I still tend to hold my breath almost every time I use the restroom because I still get a tinge of fear that I'm going to discover I'm bleeding. I've also had a couple bad dreams where something has gone wrong and one or more of the babies have died. Also, since I've been visiting the OB more, every trip there I can't help but to remember my last visits there before the triplets. *sigh* It's crazy...and I know logically it's all in my head...but...well...it is what it is. Thanks for listening, readers. It's so much easier to write than to speak sometimes.

Anyways, I hope to post again after Thursday to let everyone know how the ultrasound went and possibly post ultrasound pictures, too. 

I really appreciate all of you (our family and friends) checking in on me and offering to help. I promise...if (and when) I ever need anything I will let you know! :)

It's Like Winning The Lottery...

...but then a couple weeks later, after you've planned what to do with all the money...you find out it was really some cruel joke and the million dollars you thought was yours is now nothing.

 

That's how I'm feeling right now about my miscarriage.

 

Dramatic? A bit...I can admit that.

 

I've been feeling a bit negative lately. Ugh. It makes me uncomfortable even admitting that...but it's true. I thought that maybe writing about it would help. So...

 

My Mother's Day and Birthday weekend was awesome...but also a bit sad for me. It was the weekend I had planned on publically sharing the pregnancy with family and friends. I couldn't help but remember that.

 

I really feel as if something was stolen from me. Before becoming pregnant...I knew I wanted a second baby, but I have to admit I wasn't 100% committed to it. I mean, I wanted a baby...but I was ok with whatever happening, happening...if that makes sense. I wasn't necessarily thinking about it everyday.

 

It's like my whole lottery example...can you imagine having $1M dollars in your hands for a few weeks...and then someone just taking it all away? I mean a baby is obviously worth more than any amount of money in the world...but you get what I'm saying, right?!

 

Anyways, now, I think about being pregnant probably almost every day. Babies, pregnant bellies, baby clothes, birth announcements, pregnancy announcements, seeing baby siblings, etc. all have a different effect on me than before the miscarriage. I suppose that's natural...but still. As I'm writing this out...I realize what I'm feeling is jealousy. Ugh. Jealousy is ugly. I don't want to be like that.

 

Part of me wants to be pregnant right away. Part of me is scared.

 

I also have am immense amount of gratitude for our precious Madison. I don't think I have to say much more than that.

 

With all that said...I still firmly believe that what happens is meant to happen.

 

And...a picture of M. Because we all know I take a million pictures of her.

 

Disclaimer: NO ONE has said or done anything to hurt my feelings or make me uncomfortable. This post is just full of the emotions and thoughts that are in my own head and are not the result of any person's questions or comments or daily conversation with me. I don't want any of my family or friends to think they've said anything to me, or to not want to talk to me anymore! LOL!

3 Weeks Since...

It's been 3 weeks since I've miscarried. While I'm certainly feeling more at peace with what happened...I'd be lying if I didn't admit I still have my moments of sadness and anger.

Today should have been my 10 week appointment. It's written on our family calendar on our fridge (and then scribbled out) since they scheduled me for both 8 and 10 week appointments when I first found out I was pregnant and called the office.

But, while today didn't include a 10 week pre-natal appointment, it DID include spending the day with my beautiful daughter enjoying activities like exercising, playing, painting, running errands, and picnicking at the park. Not to shabby of a day...actually...it's a pretty good day, really! :)

It's the little things that I notice so much more that cause little pokes of sadness, anger, and dare I admit resentment into my daily life. Seeing pregnant women doesn't make me angry...just a bit sad. I wish it was me. I'll admit it. And, following the sadness is usually anger at myself for feeling sad. I feel ashamed that someone else's joy brings me down. I know that this miscarriage was meant to be, that there was nothing I could have done to prevent it, but it's still just hard for me to 100% accept it I guess.

Staring at my double stroller during my exercise class surprisingly makes me just a tiny bit sad, too. I had already begun picturing a baby in the seat next to M. And, for now, that image has been shattered. I feel like I let M down, too. I want her to be a sister. I know she'll be a good big sister.

Again. I feel confusion and shame for even admitting how those things bug me now. I know that this miscarriage is not a definitive end to the possibility of adding more children to our family. So, I don't know why I sometimes feel like it is.

I wonder how long I will think about this miscarriage.

Thoughts of second or third miscarriages also creep into my head during random parts of my days. Again...will the doubt and worrying ever end. I'm not sure.

When family and friends ask me how I'm doing, I still answer, "I'm doing good." Why is it so hard for me to say, "I'm ok. I'm still kinda sad about it." I guess it just makes me feel weak. I don't want to make things all weird. It can be awkward, that's for sure. But, to those who've asked me how I'm doing, please know that in itself has meant a lot to me. And really, I am doing good. Sorry, I know this paragraph probably didn't make a whole lotta sense.

And with that nonsense. I will end this post...and go watch some Real Housewives on Bravo. (I can't believe I just admitted to watching that show still...but I know some of you watch, too!!!)

The Return Visit

One week. It's hard to believe that one week has passed since learning that I had miscarried. Last week was such a long week for me. And yet...life goes on. As it should. As I wake each morning, it is like a bad dream telling myself, reminding myself, that I'm not pregnant anymore. If it wasn't for M's sweet voice heard over the monitor talking and singing, I'm not sure how long it would have taken me to get out of bed.

I wonder how long the reality of my miscarriage will be the first thought in my head each morning?

This morning I had to return to the OBGYN's office for my post-miscarriage check-up.

I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt as I watched a pregnant couple smile and laugh while looking at their ultrasound pictures. But...bitterness is ugly, so I smiled at them, and they smiled back. It actually made me feel better. I am lucky because I know the happiness they are feeling.

Getting an ultrasound of your empty uterus is depressing. Like for real. I stared up at the ceiling...since there was no miracle to marvel at up on the screen...while the ultrasound-tech punched a bunch of buttons. And just like that...it was over. I was ushered back to the waiting room, and then back to a different room to wait for the doctor. The nurse said my blood pressure was high...but under my circumstances that was understandable. I was holding it together up to that point until she remarked, "These return visits are always difficult. It's ok." She left. My eyes welled up with tears, and yet, I was also angry at myself for crying. I wasn't going to cry. I hadn't cried about it for a few days, and I really didn't want to today.

Anyways, the doctor returned a few moments later and pulled her chair up next to me...looked me in the eyes, and asked how I was doing. Of course I cried a bit more. Ugh. I hate crying in front of people! I told her I was okay considering everything. She told me that everything from the ultrasound came back looking fine, and medically, I was cleared. Then, she gave me time to ask her any questions. I didn't really have too many questions. I of course asked her if it was my fault (which of course I knew it wasn't but couldn't help but ask), and she asked me if I did crack-cocaine! Which of course made me laugh. She assured me it was likely due to a chromosomal abnormality, and what happened was just what was meant to happen. I guess I just needed to hear it from a professional. She talked to me about what to expect from here regarding my body and if we want to try again in the future. And then, she was gone. I was alone again, took some deep breaths, dried my eyes, and then left.

As I wrote on FB last Friday:
Dearest Family and Friends - I truly want to thank you for all your kind words of support. much to my surprise - sharing my experience and from friends through FB comments and messages, my blog, and texts/phone calls have been so very comforting. I appreciate it so much, and please know that today is the first day this week that I've felt the most peace. Thank you.
And I really do mean that.

I was mostly astounded hearing from so many friends that have experienced miscarriages themselves. It made me so sad...yet, I also didn't feel so alone either. To those friends who shared their experiences with me. Thank you.

As I re-read this post...I have confess I still feel almost ashamed about my thoughts and feelings. Why is it I feel like I'm being over-dramatic in the situation? Maybe I am? I know my feelings of sadness and grief will subside over time. But for now...I still feel almost silly for being so sad about the loss of my 7 week old 'baby'...a baby the size of a blueberry (according to Baby Center). I smile at people and tell them I'm doing okay when they ask. And, that's not necesarily a lie. I am ok. But...it's not really the whole truth. I should say, "I'm doing ok, but, I'm still pretty angry and really sad about what happened." I guess I'm afraid most people are thinking that it was so early...so...it can't possibly be that hard to come to terms with. I mean...it's not like I was 12 weeks or 20 weeks along. But really, I guess that's like saying you can only be sad if you miscarry at 12 weeks. At 11 weeks, it's not big deal. And I know that doesn't make sense. And...I'm rambling....

Why is it so hard to accept my own feelings, and to not be embarrassed by them?
*sigh*

Unexpected

Written on Tuesday, April 9th, 2013.

Finding the courage to post it today.

As I sit here I'm not even sure if I will post this. But, yet, I feel compelled to write. To share. To make known how I'm feeling because sometimes, it's just easier to write, than to say the actual words aloud. Part of me wants to keep this a secret. To share it with only a few close family members and friends. I feel shame and it's confusing. I also feel like this is a part of our lives. My life. And maybe sharing will help someone else (or even help me somehow). I don't know.

But I do apologize...it might be a bit too much for some.

Today I miscarried our baby. I'm about 7 weeks along. Correction. I SHOULD have been 7 weeks along.

As I sat in the bathroom. The first flush of the toilet ripped my soul in half. I really felt like I flushed our poor tiny baby down the toilet. As I sat in the bathroom - bleeding, wiping, flushing, crying, trying not to cry as M sat in the living room playing, texting Josh, and googling "What to expect during a miscarriage" - it was like a dream almost. Josh called (he was in WI for work). I couldn't even talk to him. For some reason. I didn't want to.

I sat in there for almost an hour...with the door closed of course because of M. But, I opened the door to check on M every 10-15 minutes and hearing her sweet voice, "Mom. I just reading this book to Piggy and Bunny. I ok."  and "Mom. I just watching Olivia." actually helped to calm me. To hold it together. To be strong. For her. She of course did not know I was pregnant.

I went to the doctor yesterday - on Monday - after little, but constant bleeding/spotting all weekend. I was hoping for the best. But, was trying to prepare myself for the worst. I wasn't sure what to expect. But, in my heart I felt like something was wrong.

The sonographer was very quiet during my ultrasound. She said it was measuring small, about 6 weeks 4 days. I felt my heart drop. I knew I was closer to 7 weeks and a couple days. I have always been so regular and was pretty sure when we conceived. She didn't say anything about the heartbeat...and I didn't ask.

My cousin had met me there (since Josh is in WI for work), so we chatted for a while we waited for the midwife to come in to talk to me about the results. M read some books. I don't remember much else except for the midwife finally saying something like, "It looks like your baby stopped growing last week, and you're going to miscarry. I'm so sorry." I cried of course. I remember my cousin hugging me, and also trying to distract M. But...I tried to hold it together for M's sake. My midwife talked about what I could do from there. I listened to my options - wait for it to naturally happen, take a medication, or have a procedure done. I quickly decided on having a D&C as soon as possible. I wanted it to be over.

She sent me to speak to the doctor. He came in (it was actually the doctor that delivered M) and he encouraged me to wait for one week. See what happens, come in for another ultrasound in a week. He told me there was a slight, slight chance the baby would make it and that it may be just too small right now to 100% be able to hear the heartbeat. I half-heartily agreed. But left feeling like I really couldn't wait another week. A week of waiting. Of thinking too much.

I called Josh once we were back in the van.

I felt empty. Ashamed - as if I did something wrong (even though I know logically it's not my fault).

And then...I just drove. I drove and drove. I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to talk to anyone. M and I ended up in Muscatine. We ran a quick errand for work, and then headed to the park and to DQ for dinner. I wanted and needed to do something normal for the rest of the day. I needed to pass the time.

This morning when I woke up I was still spotting slightly. I had decided to meet a friend for lunch to help time pass, and I went down to load us up in the van and then...I felt a rush of something, and went right to the bathroom. My heart sank. I knew.

My feeling of losing this baby is so much stronger than I could have ever imagined. I've only known I'm pregnant for a few weeks...but in those few weeks most of my thoughts had been about baby #2 joining our family. Announcements and planning. It was fun for Josh and I to have this little secret. This precious little secret. And, now, it's gone. I guess I was attached much more than I had thought.

My grief is overwhelming at times...the intensity unexpected and even confusing.

I threw my pre-natal vitamins in the back of the cupboard. I deleted the Baby Bump application off my phone and had to figure out how to discontinue the weekly emails from Baby Center. I was and am angry. Already vowing not to sign up for those if/when I get pregnant again. I can feel the negative thoughts settling in on my heart. Trying to take over.

It's like a slow-slow death if you think about it. Every trip to the bathroom is the brutal reminder that the baby is gone. It wasn't viable. You're not pregnant anymore.

I'm a roller coaster of emotions. Sad. Sometimes (surprisingly) at peace. Angry. I feel guilty. So guilty. Sometimes it still feels like a dream. Like I can't believe this happened. I still made M's lunch today and played with her. Put her down for her nap. Drew her dragons, and made banana muffins with her. Her innocent little heart knows nothing is wrong...and for this, I'm SO thankful.

Written tonight.

To end this post:

1) I hesitated in sharing this post (and possible future posts) for fear of pity, sadness, and judgment by others. But I really feel like this is something I shouldn't hide from or be ashamed of. If you're a family member or a friend, I know you're sorry. It's ok. You don't have to say anything else. A hug can say it all. Or you can just say what we're all thinking - What happened is just plain terrible...nothing anyone should experience.

2) I'll be ok. I really will. I'm not saying there won't be more tears or maybe awkward moments or bad days. But, I'm a strong person, and will make it through this chapter of my life thanks to my wonderful husband, daughter, family, and friends. Probably also thanks to ice cream, chocolate, and BRAVO tv shows.

3) Please don't feel like you have to edit yourself around me. Talk about it with me if you want. But, if you don't want to talk about it, that's ok, too. I won't leave the conversation feeling like you don't care about me. Also, please don't feel like you can't talk to me about your pregnancy or baby.  There's absolutely no hard feelings on my end. I still want to celebrate with you!

4) To other family and friends who may have experienced this - I am truly so so sorry - from the bottom of my heart.

I found this quote floating around the web, but couldn't source the author. I feel it really sums things up:

"It's hard to say goodbye when you never had the chance to say hello."