Unexpected

Written on Tuesday, April 9th, 2013.

Finding the courage to post it today.

As I sit here I'm not even sure if I will post this. But, yet, I feel compelled to write. To share. To make known how I'm feeling because sometimes, it's just easier to write, than to say the actual words aloud. Part of me wants to keep this a secret. To share it with only a few close family members and friends. I feel shame and it's confusing. I also feel like this is a part of our lives. My life. And maybe sharing will help someone else (or even help me somehow). I don't know.

But I do apologize...it might be a bit too much for some.

Today I miscarried our baby. I'm about 7 weeks along. Correction. I SHOULD have been 7 weeks along.

As I sat in the bathroom. The first flush of the toilet ripped my soul in half. I really felt like I flushed our poor tiny baby down the toilet. As I sat in the bathroom - bleeding, wiping, flushing, crying, trying not to cry as M sat in the living room playing, texting Josh, and googling "What to expect during a miscarriage" - it was like a dream almost. Josh called (he was in WI for work). I couldn't even talk to him. For some reason. I didn't want to.

I sat in there for almost an hour...with the door closed of course because of M. But, I opened the door to check on M every 10-15 minutes and hearing her sweet voice, "Mom. I just reading this book to Piggy and Bunny. I ok."  and "Mom. I just watching Olivia." actually helped to calm me. To hold it together. To be strong. For her. She of course did not know I was pregnant.

I went to the doctor yesterday - on Monday - after little, but constant bleeding/spotting all weekend. I was hoping for the best. But, was trying to prepare myself for the worst. I wasn't sure what to expect. But, in my heart I felt like something was wrong.

The sonographer was very quiet during my ultrasound. She said it was measuring small, about 6 weeks 4 days. I felt my heart drop. I knew I was closer to 7 weeks and a couple days. I have always been so regular and was pretty sure when we conceived. She didn't say anything about the heartbeat...and I didn't ask.

My cousin had met me there (since Josh is in WI for work), so we chatted for a while we waited for the midwife to come in to talk to me about the results. M read some books. I don't remember much else except for the midwife finally saying something like, "It looks like your baby stopped growing last week, and you're going to miscarry. I'm so sorry." I cried of course. I remember my cousin hugging me, and also trying to distract M. But...I tried to hold it together for M's sake. My midwife talked about what I could do from there. I listened to my options - wait for it to naturally happen, take a medication, or have a procedure done. I quickly decided on having a D&C as soon as possible. I wanted it to be over.

She sent me to speak to the doctor. He came in (it was actually the doctor that delivered M) and he encouraged me to wait for one week. See what happens, come in for another ultrasound in a week. He told me there was a slight, slight chance the baby would make it and that it may be just too small right now to 100% be able to hear the heartbeat. I half-heartily agreed. But left feeling like I really couldn't wait another week. A week of waiting. Of thinking too much.

I called Josh once we were back in the van.

I felt empty. Ashamed - as if I did something wrong (even though I know logically it's not my fault).

And then...I just drove. I drove and drove. I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to talk to anyone. M and I ended up in Muscatine. We ran a quick errand for work, and then headed to the park and to DQ for dinner. I wanted and needed to do something normal for the rest of the day. I needed to pass the time.

This morning when I woke up I was still spotting slightly. I had decided to meet a friend for lunch to help time pass, and I went down to load us up in the van and then...I felt a rush of something, and went right to the bathroom. My heart sank. I knew.

My feeling of losing this baby is so much stronger than I could have ever imagined. I've only known I'm pregnant for a few weeks...but in those few weeks most of my thoughts had been about baby #2 joining our family. Announcements and planning. It was fun for Josh and I to have this little secret. This precious little secret. And, now, it's gone. I guess I was attached much more than I had thought.

My grief is overwhelming at times...the intensity unexpected and even confusing.

I threw my pre-natal vitamins in the back of the cupboard. I deleted the Baby Bump application off my phone and had to figure out how to discontinue the weekly emails from Baby Center. I was and am angry. Already vowing not to sign up for those if/when I get pregnant again. I can feel the negative thoughts settling in on my heart. Trying to take over.

It's like a slow-slow death if you think about it. Every trip to the bathroom is the brutal reminder that the baby is gone. It wasn't viable. You're not pregnant anymore.

I'm a roller coaster of emotions. Sad. Sometimes (surprisingly) at peace. Angry. I feel guilty. So guilty. Sometimes it still feels like a dream. Like I can't believe this happened. I still made M's lunch today and played with her. Put her down for her nap. Drew her dragons, and made banana muffins with her. Her innocent little heart knows nothing is wrong...and for this, I'm SO thankful.

Written tonight.

To end this post:

1) I hesitated in sharing this post (and possible future posts) for fear of pity, sadness, and judgment by others. But I really feel like this is something I shouldn't hide from or be ashamed of. If you're a family member or a friend, I know you're sorry. It's ok. You don't have to say anything else. A hug can say it all. Or you can just say what we're all thinking - What happened is just plain terrible...nothing anyone should experience.

2) I'll be ok. I really will. I'm not saying there won't be more tears or maybe awkward moments or bad days. But, I'm a strong person, and will make it through this chapter of my life thanks to my wonderful husband, daughter, family, and friends. Probably also thanks to ice cream, chocolate, and BRAVO tv shows.

3) Please don't feel like you have to edit yourself around me. Talk about it with me if you want. But, if you don't want to talk about it, that's ok, too. I won't leave the conversation feeling like you don't care about me. Also, please don't feel like you can't talk to me about your pregnancy or baby.  There's absolutely no hard feelings on my end. I still want to celebrate with you!

4) To other family and friends who may have experienced this - I am truly so so sorry - from the bottom of my heart.

I found this quote floating around the web, but couldn't source the author. I feel it really sums things up:

"It's hard to say goodbye when you never had the chance to say hello."